Turf Infusion

“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”

Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com

So what do the good little avocados get?

“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Message on OKCupid

Chopping down the Tree of Knowledge

“Henrich had thought he would be adding a small branch to an established tree of knowledge. It turned out he was sawing at the very trunk.”

Ethan Watters, Pacific Standard, on the psychology of the “ultimatum game.”

Okay, so this isn’t technically a metaphor….

“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”

Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com

Bloodsucking technology

“Samsung’s Monstrous TV Stand Is Like a Vampire Sorority Girl: Beautiful and Horrible at The Same Time”

Gizmodo

Not to mention the lady who owns them….

“A Suzuki Hayabusa, to be exact — a bike that is already as notoriously crazy as a bag full of wet cats.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Explosive drunkenness

“Beer pong is also known as Beirut, depending on where you’re from (although what ping pong balls, plastic cups and beer has to do with the capital of Lebanon is anybody’s guess. We assume it has to do with getting bombed. Repeatedly).”

Tim Parent, Cracked.com

Denied by the Department of Death

“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like

Making me bony

“The human body has 206 bones. When I’m with you I have 207.”

I Fucking Love Science, via Facebook

Eating away at itself

“I don’t think ABC and NBC and CBS are activist organizations for liberal causes. I think Fox looks at those organizations, and they are sort of an auto-immune disease against that. They… Fox News is sort of the lupus of news.”

Jon Stewart, Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium

Nothing like a warm cup of semen to perk you up

“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….

“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date

Some people might actually enjoy a suppository that does that

“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”

David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2

Pigeon physics

“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”

Seanbaby, Cracked.com

He should talk to the guy who has “J1mmy Cart3r 4 Eva” tattooed on his forehead

“Totally disappointed, man. I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”

Eric Hartsburg, who tattooed the Romney campaign’s logo on the side of his head

The new face of fear

“Just squeeze a stumpy orange dick and watch fear come yodeling towards you in a pair of fat dancing ghost pants.”

Rich Wallace, Cracked.com, on an inexplicable children’s toy

Poking the sleeping giant

“The Latino giant is wide awake, cranky, and its taking names.”

Eliseo Medina, Secretary-Treasurer of the SEIU, on the Latino vote during the 2012 Presidential Election

Shouldn’t it depend on what trimester the word was in?

“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.

John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Gerbil turds

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

At least she didn’t use her battering ram

“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”

“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs

But did it cauterize the bullshit?

“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”

Patton Oswalt, via Twitter

Drowning in plagiarism

“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”

Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet

Time to start singing the blues

“Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, ‘unchain Wall Street.’ They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”

Joe Biden, on Republican policy

“Well, ours won’t give you a heart attack for at least TWENTY years!”

“It’s like watching McDonald’s debate Burger King over whose fries are healthier.”

J. Aigner, via Facebook, on the Presidential Debates

Ever had your face mauled by a good book?

“So one summer you are reading A Wrinkle in Time or Fantastic Mr. Fox or whatever, and then you show up for your first day of school and BAM, The Scarlet Letter. And get on that pronto, kid, because we are going to talk about metaphors and symbolism in Chapter 1 tomorrow. I opened these books thinking they would be great and rewarding, like the books I was used to, but it was like biting into a delicious-looking cake and finding a bear trap. After my face had been so destroyed by so many bear traps (to continue the metaphor) that the greatest reconstructive surgeon in the world could do nothing to save it, I stopped looking at books as wonderful presents I couldn’t wait to open and started looking at them with a sort of low-level PTSD.”

Christina H, Cracked.com, on school reading

Delusions of grandeur

“Physicists hate the term. Higgs hates the term. It’s like discovering a vital new gene in neurology and calling it the Kardashian….”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle.”

Hey, who can resist a hovering sandwich?

“Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.”

Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.

Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep….

“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series

Can we get the built-in buzz app, instead?

“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”

Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness

Thanks, but we prefer our satanity open-faced

“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”

Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal

Any softer and your skin would simply float away

“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

But you should see their line work

“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”

Edmund Blackadder

At least you wouldn’t notice the bad dubbing

“…a zoo of carefully showcased remnants that never get up and walk around their cages; somber, sterile, impersonal, about as pointless as listening to a soundtrack of Bruce Lee action scenes while staring at a blank screen.”

Tony Maxwell, Monkees.net, on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum

Well, we certainly know some rotten apples

“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”

Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

Murderous editors

“Editing is just like writing, except hateful, and in reverse. Instead of birthing words and ideas out of nothing, you’re murdering them in cold blood, culling them like sickly sheep weakening the flock.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming

“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

Ground meat

“The entire practice is insane and stupid. I know this. It puts me in a permanent blind spot; an unannounced lane change will guaranteed kill me; I essentially volunteer to become the meat in a crushing steel sandwich.”

Ezekiel Buchheit, Cracked.com, on lane-splitting on a motorcycle

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational