Bad Metaphors

Another poopy one

Dennis Hong — Fri, 31 May 2013 17:47:29 +0000

“Can WBC members help it that they are the skid marks on the underwear of the world?”

Kelly Stone, Cracked.com, on the Westboro Baptist Church

Filed under: People

Turf Infusion

Dennis Hong — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 19:06:01 +0000

“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”

Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com

Filed under: People

So what do the good little avocados get?

Dennis Hong — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 18:05:40 +0000

“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Message on OKCupid

Filed under: People

Chopping down the Tree of Knowledge

Dennis Hong — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 17:54:48 +0000

“Henrich had thought he would be adding a small branch to an established tree of knowledge. It turned out he was sawing at the very trunk.”

Ethan Watters, Pacific Standard, on the psychology of the “ultimatum game.”

Filed under: Science & Nature

Okay, so this isn’t technically a metaphor….

Dennis Hong — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 17:00:20 +0000

“Casablanca is literally the Casablanca of movies.”

Anthony Scibelli, Cracked.com

Filed under: Movies & Television

Bloodsucking technology

Dennis Hong — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:00:06 +0000

“Samsung’s Monstrous TV Stand Is Like a Vampire Sorority Girl: Beautiful and Horrible at The Same Time”

Gizmodo

Filed under: Technology

Not to mention the lady who owns them….

Dennis Hong — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 17:00:52 +0000

“A Suzuki Hayabusa, to be exact — a bike that is already as notoriously crazy as a bag full of wet cats.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Filed under: Technology

Explosive drunkenness

Dennis Hong — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 17:00:08 +0000

“Beer pong is also known as Beirut, depending on where you’re from (although what ping pong balls, plastic cups and beer has to do with the capital of Lebanon is anybody’s guess. We assume it has to do with getting bombed. Repeatedly).”

Tim Parent, Cracked.com

Filed under: Sports & Recreation

Denied by the Department of Death

Dennis Hong — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 17:00:05 +0000

“Something shows up on a computer, a jet fires a missile at seemingly nothing and then, a few minutes later, something blows up somewhere that you cannot see. It’s less like “high-stakes plane jockeying” and more like “filing a request for death” that another department, miles away, might or might not grant.”

Robert Evans, Cracked.com, on what aerial dogfights are actually like

Filed under: Technology

Making me bony

Dennis Hong — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 17:00:24 +0000

“The human body has 206 bones. When I’m with you I have 207.”

I Fucking Love Science, via Facebook

Filed under: Science & Nature

Eating away at itself

Dennis Hong — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 17:00:58 +0000

“I don’t think ABC and NBC and CBS are activist organizations for liberal causes. I think Fox looks at those organizations, and they are sort of an auto-immune disease against that. They… Fox News is sort of the lupus of news.”

Jon Stewart, Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium

Filed under: Government & Politics

Nothing like a warm cup of semen to perk you up

Dennis Hong — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 17:00:07 +0000

“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….

“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date

Filed under: Prattle

Some people might actually enjoy a suppository that does that

Dennis Hong — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 17:00:10 +0000

“This giant waddling suppository is a renaissance man — he hacks computer systems, picks electronic locks, co-pilots spacecraft, welds things, fights robot crabs, flies and sets things on fire, and also records and replays crucially important messages that set the entire saga in motion.”

David Christopher Bell, Cracked.com, on Star Wars’ R2-D2

Filed under: Movies & Television

Pigeon physics

Dennis Hong — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 17:00:44 +0000

“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”

Seanbaby, Cracked.com

Filed under: People

He should talk to the guy who has “J1mmy Cart3r 4 Eva” tattooed on his forehead

Dennis Hong — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 17:00:54 +0000

“Totally disappointed, man. I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”

Eric Hartsburg, who tattooed the Romney campaign’s logo on the side of his head

Filed under: Government & Politics

The new face of fear

Dennis Hong — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 17:00:17 +0000

“Just squeeze a stumpy orange dick and watch fear come yodeling towards you in a pair of fat dancing ghost pants.”

Rich Wallace, Cracked.com, on an inexplicable children’s toy

Filed under: Sports & Recreation

Poking the sleeping giant

Dennis Hong — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 17:00:00 +0000

“The Latino giant is wide awake, cranky, and its taking names.”

Eliseo Medina, Secretary-Treasurer of the SEIU, on the Latino vote during the 2012 Presidential Election

Filed under: Government & Politics

Hitting you in the most sensitive part of your eye

Dennis Hong — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 17:00:06 +0000

“It’s like every single AC/DC album cover came to life and punched your eyeballs right in the dick.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on the Chaiten volcano in Chile

Filed under: Science & Nature

Shouldn’t it depend on what trimester the word was in?

Dennis Hong — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 16:00:19 +0000

“…We do in fact love to adopt these goddamn language abortions and repeat them until everyone in the world wants to drown us.

John Cheese, Cracked.com, on make-up words in commercials

Filed under: Movies & Television

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

Dennis Hong — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 16:00:10 +0000

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Filed under: People

Gerbil turds

Dennis Hong — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:00:45 +0000

“Yes, there was Cracked’s feed and its award-deserving observations, but buried as they were within a hundred other gerbil turds of nonsense, after a couple minutes I simply gave up and scrolled past all the debate spam, looking for my regular gerbil turds of delight.”

Chris Bucholz, Cracked.com, on the overabundance of tweets about the Presidential Debate

Filed under: Government & Politics

At least she didn’t use her battering ram

Dennis Hong — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 16:00:58 +0000

“I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you, when it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth-castle.”

“Village Idiot” JD to “Princess” Elliot, Scrubs

Filed under: Movies & Television

But did it cauterize the bullshit?

Dennis Hong — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 16:00:42 +0000

“Bill Clinton slices through Mitt Romney’s bullshit like the light saber he is.”

Patton Oswalt, via Twitter

Filed under: Government & Politics

Incoming!

Dennis Hong — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 16:00:55 +0000

“You know what we called fruits and vegetables at my school? Nerd grenades.”

John Stewart, The Daily Show, on schools offering healthier lunches to students

Filed under: Government & Politics

Drowning in plagiarism

Dennis Hong — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 16:00:07 +0000

“Fighting against it is like slogging through the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story: you can head into it as optimistically as you like, but by the end you will be so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of unapologetic nastiness and disrespect that, at the very least, a horse somewhere will die from it, probably.”

Soren Bowie, Cracked.com, on plagiarism and copyright infringement on the internet

Filed under: Uncategorized

Time to start singing the blues

Dennis Hong — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:00:18 +0000

“Romney wants to let the — he said in the first hundred days he’s going to let the big banks once again write their own rules, ‘unchain Wall Street.’ They’re going to put y’all back in chains.”

Joe Biden, on Republican policy

Filed under: Government & Politics

“Well, ours won’t give you a heart attack for at least TWENTY years!”

Dennis Hong — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:00:10 +0000

“It’s like watching McDonald’s debate Burger King over whose fries are healthier.”

J. Aigner, via Facebook, on the Presidential Debates

Filed under: Government & Politics

Ever had your face mauled by a good book?

Dennis Hong — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 16:00:05 +0000

“So one summer you are reading A Wrinkle in Time or Fantastic Mr. Fox or whatever, and then you show up for your first day of school and BAM, The Scarlet Letter. And get on that pronto, kid, because we are going to talk about metaphors and symbolism in Chapter 1 tomorrow. I opened these books thinking they would be great and rewarding, like the books I was used to, but it was like biting into a delicious-looking cake and finding a bear trap. After my face had been so destroyed by so many bear traps (to continue the metaphor) that the greatest reconstructive surgeon in the world could do nothing to save it, I stopped looking at books as wonderful presents I couldn’t wait to open and started looking at them with a sort of low-level PTSD.”

Christina H, Cracked.com, on school reading

Filed under: Literature

The dreaded clock of debt

Dennis Hong — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 16:00:36 +0000

“They see the national debt clock staring them in the face. They see a debt crisis, and they just ignore and pretend it didn’t even happen.”

Paul Ryan, comparing Obama to the NFL replacement referees

Filed under: Government & Politics

Delusions of grandeur

Dennis Hong — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 16:11:34 +0000

“Physicists hate the term. Higgs hates the term. It’s like discovering a vital new gene in neurology and calling it the Kardashian….”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on calling the Higgs boson the “God Particle.”

Filed under: Science & Nature

Hey, who can resist a hovering sandwich?

Dennis Hong — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 18:49:58 +0000

“Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.”

Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.

Filed under: Science & Nature

Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep….

Dennis Hong — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:10:58 +0000

“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series

Filed under: Movies & Television

Can we get the built-in buzz app, instead?

Dennis Hong — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 13:00:31 +0000

“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”

Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness

Filed under: Science & Nature

Thanks, but we prefer our satanity open-faced

Dennis Hong — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 19:41:31 +0000

“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”

Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal

Filed under: Government & Politics

Any softer and your skin would simply float away

Karl Smallwood — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 13:00:28 +0000

“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

Filed under: Movies & Television

But you should see their line work

Karl Smallwood — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 13:00:58 +0000

“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”

Edmund Blackadder

Filed under: Movies & Television

At least you wouldn’t notice the bad dubbing

Dennis Hong — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 13:00:11 +0000

“…a zoo of carefully showcased remnants that never get up and walk around their cages; somber, sterile, impersonal, about as pointless as listening to a soundtrack of Bruce Lee action scenes while staring at a blank screen.”

Tony Maxwell, Monkees.net, on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum

Filed under: Music

Well, we certainly know some rotten apples

Dennis Hong — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 13:00:20 +0000

“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”

Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY

Filed under: Government & Politics

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

Karl Smallwood — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 13:00:40 +0000

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

Filed under: Prattle

Get over yourselves, people!

Dennis Hong — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 19:02:38 +0000

For those of you who keep emailing us, we KNOW they’re similes.

You’re not being smart. You’re not being helpful. And by pointing out that we have similes on here, you’re not demonstrating that you have a bigger penis than us. In fact, the collective Voltron penis formed by all of our members’ members (even the female ones) will easily pistol-whip your little twig.

See, now THAT’s a metaphor.

Bad Metaphors is not a literary site. It’s supposed to be a place to go for a smile or a laugh. If you can’t handle the fact that we post examples of both metaphors and similes, maybe you’ll have more fun at Wikipedia.

Filed under: Writing Tips