Nothing like a warm cup of semen to perk you up

“I like my coffee like I like my women,” I said, sidling up to her….

“Full of my own semen,” I suavely finished.

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on an alleged date

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

Sharing is caring

“….I’ve still got all my points saved on my computer somewhere, and I’d be happy to regurgitate them here. I’m offering you my pre-digested leftovers, basically.”

Online conversation between two writers for Cracked.com

Do Vegas hookers get spring break in Tijuana?

“Look at how even the most ‘regal’ of them all is already dressing like a Vegas hooker with three bottles of dirty tequila on a raunchy Tijuana spring break night.”

Internet commenter, on Kate Middleton’s wedding dress

It’s not how fast you type, it’s how you use your fingers

“I’m mulling over a story. I think I know what direction I’m going, but haven’t put pen to paper.”

“Don’t put pen to paper. Put finger to keyboard. It tends to be faster.”

“That sounds dirty.”

“Well, that depends on whose keyboard you’re putting your fingers to….”

Exchange between unidentified writer and editor

We assume Charlie Sheen must be a sharpshooter then

“If accuracy were an STD, he would be on antibiotics…”

Via Twitter

We only wish this were a metaphor

“Touch it gently, put two fingers inside. If it’s wide, use three fingers. Make sure it’s wet, and rub up & down.”

Instructions on how to wash a cup

And it makes my ass look fat, too

“Seriously, 5:30 am is NOT a good color on me.”

Via Facebook

May these words be your insulin shot

“You used to be immune to sugar, now you’re acting like a diabetic.”

Via Twitter

Oh no, my smile is breaking out again!

“His contagious smile spreads like herpes!”

Via Twitter

Well, it’s better than the balsamic vinegar of readership that other sites have

“We serve a hive mind, feeding the sucrose syrup of readership into the damp food pockets of our editor so that his young are nourished and soon to hatch.”

Unnamed writer for Cracked.com

Stifling puppies

“…leave this sleeping dog lie in the heat of the August afternoon and move onto the golden autumn of a new relationship.”

Frost THIS

“I brought him a cupcake I’d made and frosted with his name.”

“AWWW, this is too sweet! I bet he loved your cupcakes.”

“He likes to help with the frosting.”

A well-oiled fang

“You are a big rat and a snake with poisonous venom. Lots of luck to those who come here and slip in that!”