Another poopy one

“Can WBC members help it that they are the skid marks on the underwear of the world?”

Kelly Stone, Cracked.com, on the Westboro Baptist Church

Turf Infusion

“For me, the comment section isn’t a few bad apples ruining it for everyone, it’s more like a punch bowl with turds of varying size floating in it, you can take them out and still drink it just fine, but once you know the turds were in there, it’s just nowhere near as enjoyable.”

Karl Smallwood, on the comment section of Cracked.com

So what do the good little avocados get?

“You look so adorably geeky. I want to douse you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”

Message on OKCupid

Pigeon physics

“Steven Seagal moves like time-lapse footage of a pigeon decomposing and it’s a five step process for him to change directions. So in that way, this is a precise simulation of what it’s like to pilot a Steven Seagal.”

Seanbaby, Cracked.com

But what about that triple-breasted mutant from Total Recall?

“Wanting quantity over quality in friendships shows you don’t understand that word. It’s like complaining about not having enough genitals — you should really focus on working with what you have instead of adding more for the sake of it.”

Luke McKinney, Cracked.com, on social networking

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

It’s a big puzzle piece

Kim Kardashian, newly engaged, with a $2-million engagement ring: “I finally found my missing puzzle piece! I’m complete.”

ABC News anchor: “Does she mean the guy or the stone?”

That’s one slick dude

“…he floored it into a straightaway, weaving through traffic with the creamy ease and sleazy skill of a buttered gigolo.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

We sound delicious!

“[Humans are] little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata.”

David Dietle, Cracked.com

That’s snot the mental image we were hoping for

“Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

Do Vegas hookers get spring break in Tijuana?

“Look at how even the most ‘regal’ of them all is already dressing like a Vegas hooker with three bottles of dirty tequila on a raunchy Tijuana spring break night.”

Internet commenter, on Kate Middleton’s wedding dress

Calling Yoda out

“You look like a million dollars, all green and wrinkly.”

Older-than-time joke

Maybe it was just drunk dialing

“The voice of Love seemed to call me, but it was a wrong number.”

P.G. Wodehouse

At least you’ll age well

“You’re like a fine wine. You should be kept in a cellar for years.”

Older-than-time joke

Breastfeeding with the raw and saggy tit of reality

“I’m the Octomom of days pregnant with possibilities.”

Via Twitter

Thank God the baby didn’t pull a Dale Sr.

“We had to get to the hospital right away. The baby was coming faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a championship race.”

Wait, wouldn’t that mess it up?

“You made your bed. Now you have to lie in it!”

But is your mind half-empty or half-full?

“Did you just say, ‘mind bottling’?”

“No, I prefer to tap my brain directly. Draft mind always tastes fresher than bottled mind.”

I hate when my clothes runneth over

“He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when!’”

P.G. Wodehouse

I’d hate to see how they approached jigsaw puzzles

“They divorced after a lot of trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole (and not hers).”

Thin metal sheets scare the crap out of me!

“The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.”

Then he started growling like a goldfish

“…the purring sounded like the cooing of an angry dove.”

Fox News

They must be spreading up

“These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.”

How convenient!

“Her beautiful breasts were tipped with pencil-eraser nipples.”

What if she’s buttonless? Can he work her touchpad?

“He turned her on by pressing her love-button.”

But did he polish it first?

“He stuck his sword in her scabbard.”