Hey, who can resist a hovering sandwich?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and suddenly you see a sandwich hovering in front of you. Hovering sandwiches being your favorite kind, you reach out for it, and are instantly devoured by a nearby monster disguised as a minivan.

Monte Richard & E. Reid Ross, Cracked.com, on angler fish.

Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep….

“But then came the sequels — most notable for setting the land-speed record for the fastest time anything has traveled all the way back up its own ass.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com, on The Matrix series

Can we get the built-in buzz app, instead?

“The human brain is equipped with “hedonic set points” which not only establish where our base mood is (optimistic, pessimistic or indifferent); but also adapts rather quickly to our surroundings and returns to our base frame of mind. Basically, we all have a built-in buzzkill app.”

Kimmy Dee, Cracked.com, on happiness

Thanks, but we prefer our satanity open-faced

“…a sugar-coated satan sandwich.”

Representative Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), on the debt deal

Any softer and your skin would simply float away

“Your hand, while firm and masculine, is as soft as a velour child.”

Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

But you should see their line work

“I know from experience that my men have the all artistic talent of a cluster of colorblind hedgehogs, in a bag.”

Edmund Blackadder

At least you wouldn’t notice the bad dubbing

“…a zoo of carefully showcased remnants that never get up and walk around their cages; somber, sterile, impersonal, about as pointless as listening to a soundtrack of Bruce Lee action scenes while staring at a blank screen.”

Tony Maxwell, Monkees.net, on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum

Well, we certainly know some rotten apples

“… Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children….”

Bob Vander Plaats, The Marriage Vow: A Declaration of Dependence upon MARRIAGE and FAMILY

Who says videogames are bad for kids?

“It’s like a pikachu… that’s not electric.”

Karl’s little sister, describing a mouse

Get over yourselves, people!

For those of you who keep emailing us, we KNOW they’re similes.

You’re not being smart. You’re not being helpful. And by pointing out that we have similes on here, you’re not demonstrating that you have a bigger penis than us. In fact, the collective Voltron penis formed by all of our members’ members (even the female ones) will easily pistol-whip your little twig.

See, now THAT’s a metaphor.

Bad Metaphors is not a literary site. It’s supposed to be a place to go for a smile or a laugh. If you can’t handle the fact that we post examples of both metaphors and similes, maybe you’ll have more fun at Wikipedia.

Murderous editors

“Editing is just like writing, except hateful, and in reverse. Instead of birthing words and ideas out of nothing, you’re murdering them in cold blood, culling them like sickly sheep weakening the flock.”

Robert Brockway, Cracked.com

Better than being like the planet Hoth

“Seriously, man. Jews. We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there….

“That’s right, the foliage in my pubic hair is like the planet Endor. That’s what I’m suggesting.”

John Stewart, the Daily Show, on Anthony Weiner’s lack of body hair

Sounds like my high school prom date

“A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds… it makes ice.”

Homer Simpson

Still better than being the audience in a Carrot Top routine

“If ever in life you find yourself thinking of a group of human beings as nonhuman — be it cartoonish caricatures or monsters or whatever — you’ve gone wrong. If you’re ever making an entire race or gender the watermelon in your Gallagher routine, you’re making yourself a worse person and making the world a worse place.”

David Wong, Cracked.com, on racist jokes

They really do know everything

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

Anchorman, Ron Burgundy, to his dog

And remember to cover your ears while they’re screaming

“Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.”

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

Ground meat

“The entire practice is insane and stupid. I know this. It puts me in a permanent blind spot; an unannounced lane change will guaranteed kill me; I essentially volunteer to become the meat in a crushing steel sandwich.”

Ezekiel Buchheit, Cracked.com, on lane-splitting on a motorcycle

Unannounced changes

“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

Via the Washington Post’s Style Invitational

It’s a big puzzle piece

Kim Kardashian, newly engaged, with a $2-million engagement ring: “I finally found my missing puzzle piece! I’m complete.”

ABC News anchor: “Does she mean the guy or the stone?”

The kind of knowledge only a doctor would have

“Hi. It’s like hello, only shorter.”

Dr Gregory House